How many guys are better than Edward? Let me count the names...
Coming in on top is Jesus, the original superstar.
In second place is Neil Caffery. I've never seen a hotter guy forging art.
After him comes my dad, with the boyfriend shotgun,
At fourth is Draco Malfoy – so attractive – he's the one.
Next comes Matt Theisson, a piano playing hottie,
Above the one, the only, the Special Agent McGee.
Our sexy seven Elliot Spencer is the Leverage team's hitter,
And Rodney McKay, is better, even, just cuz he don't glitter.
Peyton of the Indie Colts makes number nueve,
Carson Becket's number ten cuz as a doctor, he could save me.
Jack Carter makes a nice eleven, sheriff of the smartest little town,
Then Artemis Fowl is at twelve, he knows the faeries underground.
Agent Gibbs of NCIS is my unlucky number thirteen
My brother is even better than Cullen, although he can be kinda mean.
Fifteen is Michael Weston, everyone's favorite burnt spy.
Then I got Albert Einstein – man, what smart guy.
King David – what can I say? He was godlier than any other!
Det. Green – number 18 – preserves the Law & Order.
Ronan Dex is the alien my best friend's mom liked
And Harry Potter got hotter when he made Voldie take a hike.
(Now I will go faster.)
Tarzan brings us to twenty-one
Hagrid hits twenty-two – now let's have some fun
Mark Sanchez is the Jet's cute quarterback
The Geico caveman never made me yack
Jake Sully, of the Jar-head clan
Makes Edward look like he's not a man
My garbage man is twenty-six
Like John Whitaker he probably kicks
Ed's pale butt all over this poem
The Mad Hatter is just awesome like no one
Percy Jackson gets us at twenty-nine
I think that that's the end this time!
No wait, no wait! I've one more piece!
Coming in last, and definitely least
Is Jacob Black, and do you wanna know why?
It's because he does not sparkle and shine –
(gasp) like Edward the gay vampire.
(I suppose that I've forgotten this one – shoulda been higher – Homer Simpson.)
More is coming around soon soon soon!
